The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
