You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
