I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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