Sponge bath it is.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
