that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
