Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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