It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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