Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
