The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Randomize
