just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
