I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Randomize
