If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
