I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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