I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize