god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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