i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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