First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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