My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
