Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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