Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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