its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
