Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
