Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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