I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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