shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
