Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
