I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
