this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Randomize
