In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
