every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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