On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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