I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Randomize
