So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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