She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
