My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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