Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
