If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
