sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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