I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i dont even know how to be here
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
