I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
