plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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