After last night, I could never be a politician.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
