Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
