i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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