apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
