if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
