i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
