We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
