True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
