You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Best friends brother. Beat that.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
