3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
