shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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