omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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