I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
