He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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