I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize