There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
My feet surprised me
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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