Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
