I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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